*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
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[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.