i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
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When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?