I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
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Accurate
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
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Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.