I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.