bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
You Might Also Like
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?