Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
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[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Dishonest mechanic?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.