I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
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If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-