When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”