Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
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Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Life cycle of cat
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok