Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
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this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.