Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
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Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain