I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
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She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above