Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Ah..makes sense now
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.