My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭