No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
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[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I only treason on days ending in y
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Yup
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.