My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
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*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
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My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
According to math, I’m broke
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.