My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
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Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.