still the best tweet of the year by far
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Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.