[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
You Might Also Like
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
All. The. Damn. Time.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
this chia pet tastes awful
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Stop being racist to kettles.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car