best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
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Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
#FunnyLife Insects
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car