I am all good here, 😂😉
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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader