Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.