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sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
The Friday File.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks