MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
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Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)