How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
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WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Found my door mat
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.