Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
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Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
britain’s three elite institutions
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
(True)
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.