[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
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People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.