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Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!