I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
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You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Lmao
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.