You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
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Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*