Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
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You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.