The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
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Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
How I like cutting carbs
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber