no their not
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After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
me, too, girl. me, too.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
A fake ID that makes you younger
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.