[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
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I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Please don鈥檛 ask me to repeat myself I wasn鈥檛 listening either
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises鈥lso the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
[first date]
Me: I don鈥檛 like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it鈥檚 a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 馃摑馃槶
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you鈥檙e not 25 anymore
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I鈥檓 thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don鈥檛 mention it.
馃ぃcould you imagine