If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
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Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey