If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
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Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Wait a minute
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.