Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
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I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”