I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Just how popey was the pope today?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
some cats are just doing for fun!
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.