if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
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Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
dutch so unserious
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?