“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
You Might Also Like
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
grotesque if literal: baby food
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.