Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
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I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
nature’s most graceful animal
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!