Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
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This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
termite twitter scares me