Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
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[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
#growingpains
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend