I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
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Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
My kitchen overserved me.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.