If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.