11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
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I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
<—- homeless romantic
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.