*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
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Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.