I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?