wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
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The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I just ran a .003048K
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
asked my bf how work was today
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.