Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
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People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
no their not
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
adam and eve had first world problems
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Does this dress make me look cat?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
when revenge coincides with naptime
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush